Mind over Matter
by PhantomGrimalkin
Summary: The Marauders' return for their 6th year of school and Moony is determined not to let his growing crush interfere with his friendship. All it takes is a bit of willpower... right? Slash in later chapters
1. Chapter 1

Remus really should have been more excited to go back to Hogwarts for his 6th year. He had friends there. Friends who had found out about his _furry little problem_, he wasn't sure how to feel about it being called that, and were still his friends. Beyond that, they took a great risk and became unregistered animagi just to make full moons easier for him. It was really more than he felt he deserved or could have ever hoped for.

And yet, as he made his way through King's Cross Station, he did not feel excited. Anxiety twisted in his stomach.

He went through the barrier and heard Peter excitedly calling over to him, he looked over and saw the blond haired boy standing next to his other friends, who were laughing at Peter's excitement.

The sandy-haired boy went over to them, genuinely smiling to see them.

"Moony, great to see you!" James said, pulling Remus into a warm hug that the boy returned with a laugh. Quickly enough,

"Pete was starting to worry you wouldn't make it," Sirius added with a smirk, patting the boy's shoulder

Peter objected to this, "Only a little!"

James released Remus, turning to the smaller boy, "That's not how I remember it!"

Sirius took his turn hugging the newcomer, who stiffened into it and returned it awkwardly. This was why he was not looking forward to school this year.

Over the past few years he'd been wondering as his friends started noticing girls why he never had any interest in them the way they did. Towards the end of last year, he gradually realized that he was actually starting to notice _Sirius_ that way. While he didn't necessarily feel this was why he hadn't noticed any girls, he didn't _know_ any girls and only started noticing Sirius after 5 years of close friendship. He also wasn't at all bothered by the thought of liking a boy.

The thought of liking his _best friend_ was quite another story. He sincerely doubted that his feelings would be returned, and any affection Sirius showed him had become very awkward. It was rather infuriating that things that were perfectly natural for friends to do felt like they hinted at something more when you had a crush on someone. No matter how many times Remus rationally told himself that it didn't mean anything to Sirius, he got butterflies every time.

Letting go much more quickly, Sirius looked his friend over, "Are you all right there? You didn't hurt yourself over the summer, right?"

"Yeah, I'm great," Remus said cheerfully, getting a timid hug from Peter that he happily returned. He ignored the look that passed over Sirius's face, thanks to the help of the delightful distraction of the train rolling in.

"Let's grab a good spot, yeah?" James said, watching the train eagerly, a broad smile on his face.

They did, and spent the ride joking, James and Sirius fondly scheming what they'd get up to now that they could freely use magic again, Remus throwing in his objections in out of a feeling of obligation rather than really being opposed to it. He _was_ supposed to be the level headed one who kept the others out of getting into too much trouble.

Although this wasn't much of an achievement, considering how rare it was for James and Peter to have somewhere else to go at the same time on the train ride, he also spent it avoiding being alone with Sirius. He also spent it wishing he could believe that Sirius didn't notice anything and wouldn't start asking questions. Lying had never been something Remus had any skill in, especially not to his friends.

Now, he did not care if they found out that he liked boys. Well, a boy. He wasn't sure what his preferences were yet, beyond Sirius. But he didn't want to think of the awkwardness getting even worse if Sirius found out that Remus liked him. His brain had spent the summer tormenting him with worst-case scenarios of this ruining his friendship with all three of them and leaving him alone again.

Maybe he did think too much.

There was no real chance for Sirius or Remus to be alone together that entire night, to the werewolf's delight. He didn't want to have to spend too much time coming up with excuses to dodge him. It was only for a little bit, really, until he got back into the swing of things and would be able to just relax and be glad to have his friends, all of them, around.

If he kept telling himself something, that would make it true, right?

That night, after soft (and not so soft) snores started coming from James's and Peter's respective beds, Remus heard Sirius roll out of his and pad across the floor to his. Remus tried to feign sleep as he heard the boy softly whisper his name. He hoped that would be it, but he felt a hand on his arm shaking him roughly.

"Okay- okay, I'm awake!" he hissed, keeping his voice down and sitting up. "What is it?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

"What?"

"The way you've been to me all day- are you mad at me or something?" Sirius asked, genuine concern in his voice.

"No, of course not," Remus said truthfully.

The raven haired boy smiled for a moment before tilting his head to the side, "Then… what's up? If you aren't mad at me why've you been acting so weird?"

"I didn't think I was acting any different to you than I was to James or Pete," Remus said, scratching his head, "I'm really sorry if I have been."

Sirius looked him over for a moment, and Remus managed to get out a smile. He hoped that his friend would assume he was just tired and wouldn't notice that he wasn't being entirely honest. Well, that he was outright lying.

"Don't worry about it, yeh?" Sirius said, "I'll let you get back to sleep. G'night."

"Night," he echoed back, lying down and staring at the ceiling.


	2. Chapter 2

After two weeks so it felt almost like they hadn't left. James was back to chasing after Lily's attention, pranking Snape with Sirius, and basking in the glory that is popularity. Remus and Peter both tended to hang back when those two were enjoying a particular bit of adoration from their fans. Peter making exited noises that _his _friends were being fawned over and Remus rolling his eyes.

To his chagrin, Remus was not finding it any easier to be around Sirius. It was actually much harder. His crush had grown more than he'd been willing to admit over the summer away from him. Suddenly he was acutely aware how affectionate their friendship was.

And this wasn't any sort of special treatment, he noticed that both Sirius and he were that way with James and, to a lesser degree, Peter. Of course, it was no problem for him to be like that with James. Being like that with James, hugging and leaning against and having an arm wrapped around his shoulder, didn't make his stomach fill with butterflies and hope the way it did with Sirius.

All that the young werewolf wanted was for things to go back to normal. Instead, he found himself trying to either ignore how he felt whenever Sirius so much as brushed his hand when grabbing something in the Great Hall or jerk away and deal with his friends' questioning. It seemed like Sirius was noticing and started laying off with it, but this came at the price of seeing his friend hurt.

The full moon was coming up, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. His all too wonderful friends were aware of it without his having to tell them, and James demanded one day that they plan what they were going to be doing after dinner, dragging the four of them up to their shared dormitory.

"What do we really have to plan?" Remus asked as they all settled themselves on James's bed, "We did this a few times last year, I figured we'd just do the same thing."

"Well, yeah, we've got a general plan…" James agreed, "But don't you want to come up with plans for what we should do while we're out tonight?" Truthfully, the werewolf had never really thought of that. Not spending the night tearing into himself was good enough for him. He nodded, though.

Sirius rubbed his chin, "I've been thinking about what it'd be like to check out the forbidden forest like that… Anyone else up for it?"

James and Peter turned to Remus, he was the one most likely to have an objection. The difference in their expressions was almost humerous, though, James clearly hoping that Remus wouldn't be such a downer and Peter's eyes fearful at the thought of going into the forest. The boy thought about it, "I believe most of the creatures in there aren't as dangerous to animals as they are to… We would have to be _very_ careful, though."

"Brilliant!" Padfoot exclaimed, wrapping an arm around Remus's shoulders in a sideways hug and squeezing gently. Remus willed himself not to blush.

He squirmed out of it a bit too quickly, "Just remember- I mean it when I say we have to be careful. That might cut out some of the fun." Sirius scowled a bit.

James patted his friend on the back, "Come on Padfoot- you didn't really expect to go into the forbidden forest without being at least a bit cautious, did you? Even I wouldn't do that."

"Eh… Guess you're right," he agreed, his face relaxing as he instead contented himself by thinking about what sort of things they'd get up to.

* * *

><p>The day after the full moon was never fun for Remus. It was worse today. While things had been relatively uneventful the first two nights of it, as uneventful as running through the forbidden forest could be, the last night had not. Padfoot, playful as he'd always been in his dog form, had nuzzled Moony playfully and he'd lashed out, scratching the large black dog.<p>

He sat in the forbidden shack, waiting to be fetched and brought to the Hospital Wing. While he was certainly concerned for his friend's health, he was also concerned about what was going to happen now. His friends had been noticing he'd been acting differently and while he'd tried shrugging it off, he could hardly deny it now.

He walked into the hospital silently, and was surprised to notice Sirius already there, his arm being healed. Remus looked down as he sat on a nearby bed. As much as he wanted to apologize, he imagined that Sirius had come up with a cover story and he didn't want to mess that up.

After his arm was fixed up, the matron went over to Remus and started with her usual fussing about, giving him various potions and telling him to rest. As it was common for Sirius, James, and Peter to visit him, even very early, the day after she told the other boy he could stay if he wished before returning to her office.

Remus looked over to Sirius for the first time since getting to the Hospital Wing. His friend wasn't looking at him and had a hand placed on his arm. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Will you please tell me what's going on?" his friend asked, looking at him. His eyes were full of hurt that Remus knew had nothing to do with his arm.

It was painfully clear that Remus's idea of 'ignore it and it'll go away' wasn't working, so he nodded, "I promise I will. Just not right now. If that's all right."

Sirius smiled sadly at him, "Yeah, it's fine. You doing okay?"

"As well as can be expected," he said sadly, running a hand over his head, "I feel worse about what I did to you, though."

"Don't," he replied, turning his arm so Remus could see. A parallel series of scars ran across it. Remus was not sure how this was supposed to make him feel better about the whole thing. Sirius grinned at him, "I told them I got scratched by an owl but I figure if I can tell the girls something cooler."

Remus laughed slightly, shaking his head, "Always about them, isn't it?"

"Just wait 'til you find one you like, you'll understand," he replied, brushing back his hair.

He actually thought about this for a moment in the context of his feelings for Sirius. Obviously he wouldn't bring it up now, but he didn't spend nearly as much time worrying about ways to impress Sirius as Sirius did ways to impress girls or James did ways to impress Lily. Maybe he had to find someone he liked _and_ had half a chance with. Although even then, he doubted that his ideas of how to win their affection would match his friends'.

"I'll take your word for it," he said, leaning back in the bed.

Sirius smiled smugly, "Always best to trust an expert." A yawn escaped his lips before he had a chance to make a retort, and his friend gave him a worried look. Sirius smiled gently at him, standing up, "Hey- I forgot how much _that_ takes it out of you, I'll leave you to get some rest but come by after class with the others, alright?"

Remus nodded, he couldn't deny that he needed to get some rest. Part of him wanted to tell Sirius not to go, but he didn't feel up to it. "See you later, Padfoot."

"Feel better, Moony."


	3. Chapter 3

Remus was very grateful to find that Sirius acted as if things were normal for the next few days. It took him a bit of time to recover after a full moon, and he was glad not to be pestered to have that conversation immediately. Of course, at some point it would have to happen.

One evening, while James and Peter were playing wizard's chess in the common room and Remus was reading a book in their dormitory, Sirius walked up to the dormitory. He looked over at his friend, "Hey- are you up for talking right now?"

It actually took him a second to remember what they had to talk about. Remus nodded quietly, marking his place in the book and placing it on his table. He ran a hand through his hair nervously as his friend walked over and sat down at the other end of his bed cross-legged.

They sat like that for a few moments, Remus not really wanting this conversation to happen. Eventually the black haired boy got impatient and asked, "Tell me the truth- what's up? Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm really not Padfoot," Remus said with a nervous smile, he laughed to himself, "It's really silly. Not a big deal at all."

"Seems like a big deal," his friend replied, crossing his arms.

"I'm just bad at handling it, that's all." He sighed, he really didn't want to say this. He took a deep breath, "Padfoot, it really _isn't_ a big deal- it's just a silly little thing that I've let bother me too much." He was stalling and he knew it, but he was also trying not to make a big deal of it. "I've just got this stupid crush on you, that's all."

Sirius nodded his agreement before he realized exactly what his friend had just said, "You have a _what_ on me?"

"A crush, I believe you're familiar with the concept," Remus answered, rolling his eyes.

The black haired boy was off the bed in a flash, running his hand through his hair nervously, "But- how? Why? I don't act like I'm… Are you sure you're not wrong?"

This was exactly the reaction he had hoped to avoid, his stomach turned on itself. Remus shrugged, "Kind of sure. Look, it really isn't a big deal. I'll get over it."

"Of course it's a big deal!" Sirius insisted, "Have you ever thought of you and me…" he couldn't finish his sentence, wincing at the thought.

Remus's lips tightened, but he did his best to remain calm, "Lots of people have, Sirius, why does it matter that I happen to be one of them? I don't expect it to happen."

"It matters because I'm not some bloody _queer_, alright?" Sirius said.

So much for remaining calm. Remus got off his bed and quickly grabbed the black haired boy by the collar, pulling him close. He did his best to ignore the look on Sirius's face as he did.

"Listen to this, _Sirius_," he spat, "I do not care if you don't return my feelings. I'll get over it. But don't you think for a single rutting second that I will be friends with someone who says that- you are wrong."

"But I'm not," Sirius growled back, squirming to get out of the grip without success, "What do you want me to say?"

The werewolf let go by shoving him to the floor, shaking his head in disgust. "Just saying 'I don't like boys, sorry' would have been fine." With that, he left the bedroom, went through the common room and out the portrait hole, not entirely sure where he was going. All he cared was that "away from him" was in the description.

Remus had been too wrapped up in his hurt and annoyance to notice, but James and Peter were still in the common room and had called over to him. After getting no response, James said that he was going up to have a talk with Sirius and left their chess match.

He climbed the stairs quickly and walked in to find his friend sulking on his own bed. James walked in casually and leaned against one of the bed posts.

"Anything new?"

It was not difficult for Sirius to figure out that James had seen Remus storm out in the mood he was in, so he grunted, "I don't want to talk about it."

"That's a real shame because somebody's going to tell me what the hell's been going on between the two of you- and right now you're the only one I know where is."

"_Nothing_ has been going on between—" he stopped, he'd reacted too strongly to that. He tried to act as though everything was fine and shrugged, leaning back on the bed, "Everything's fine- just like it's always been."

"So the most level-headed Marauder just stormed out of the common room looking murderous for no reason?" James asked, not in the mood for this sort of game.

"He did?" Sirius asked, feeling a bit guilty. But, really, how else was he supposed to respond to something like that?

James nodded pointedly, waiting for a response.

Sirius scratched his cheek, "Er, well, Remus told me that he had a crush on me and I guess I could've reacted better."

"I never pictured you as his type," James commented, his face straight. He sighed, sitting down on the bed, "Alright- how did you react?"

"Well- how would _you_ react if a bloke told you he fancied you?"

James looked over at him, "I told 'em that I wasn't interested, same as when a girl I don't care for does."

Sirius stared at him for a moment, "It's happened to you before?"

The star quidditch player ruffled his hair and grinned, "Hey, I'm irresistible."

"Right," the boy grumbled. He looked away.

James shook his leg, "Come on- tell me what happened so I can figure out how to fix this."

"I freaked out at him," Sirius admitted.

"He's probably just hurt, then, rejection sucks," he said, hoping all it would take was some time to get past it.

"Er, I said something that he got pretty angry at me for saying."

"What'd you say?"

"That I wasn't a bloody queer," he said quietly.

James stared at him for a few moments, trying to get his brain around the idea of Sirius Black using a slur like that. It wasn't like him at all. He covered his face with his hands, "Did you decide to add in "or a filthy halfbreed" as well just to rub it in?"

There was no answer to that for a few moments, until James gave him an exasperated look.

"Okay, I fucked up. What should I do about it, Prongs?" Sirius said grudgingly.

"Depends," he replied.

"On what?"

"If you're really that anti-gay. If you are, I suggest you just leave it."

"Christ, James, you know I'm not!" he said angrily, "I just don't want anyone thinking I'm like _that_."

James was not impressed by this argument, "Is that really it? Because that's really not helping your "I'm not anti-gay" thing."

"No," he muttered, crossing his arms.

"Come on, then."

Sirius looked away, "You saw how he's been to me lately. What if he can't get over this crush- what if it's not _just_ a crush? I don't want to lose him."

James smiled at him, "Go find him and tell him that," he paused, "_After_ apologizing for what you said."

He shook his head, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. Am I supposed to stop talking about girls so he doesn't feel bad? Start watching everything I do around him so I don't give him the wrong idea? What?"

"Don't be an arse about it, but I think you're over thinking this. Anyways- why the hell are you asking _me_?"

Realizing that he wasn't going to be able to say anything to convince James he shouldn't just go talk to Remus, he groaned and stood up, "Alright- give me the map. I'll go talk to him."


	4. Chapter 4

It was a handy thing, the Marauder's Map. It made it easier for them to do their pranks, because they were able to avoid teachers. On top of that, it made it so much easier to find someone when you had no idea where they might be. Remus just happened to be in the astronomy tower, which was odd, Sirius had expected him to be in the library or something.

He made his way there, wishing that he wasn't alone with his thoughts. That _was_ the only reason he'd reacted like that, wasn't it? He'd hated how distant Moony had been lately, and the idea that it would just keep on and there was nothing he could do about it was infuriating. He really didn't like boys that way.

Okay, yeah, there was that time in 3rd year when he'd started noticing and fooling around with girls and wondered what it'd be like to fool around with a boy. And that one moment when he'd caught himself looking at Remus's scars and wanting to see just how many of them he had everywhere and trace his fingers over them. That had been weird. But that aside, he only liked Remus as a friend.

A friend he felt much more protective of considering his furry little problem. And he wasn't sure why but it probably wouldn't have bothered him as much if James or Peter had suddenly decided they didn't want to be affectionate with each other…

"No," he said outloud, firmly. This was ridiculous- he was only even questioning it because Moony had started it. He hadn't thought about it at all before.

He paused halfway up the stairs to the astronomy tower. This was probably a mistake. How was he supposed to make Remus feel better when his brain was tormenting him like this?

No, he needed to get this sorted so his mind would shut up. He continued up the stairs, trying to ignore his own brain, before reaching the door to the astronomy tower's room. Moony was sitting on the floor, comfortably leaning back and looking out into the sky at the still waning moon. Sirius walked over and stood next to him.

"Make it fast," the other boy said dully, not even looking up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said that. I shouldn't have."

Remus grunted an acknowledgement, but didn't say anything else. Sirius sat down, Remus didn't tell him not to. Hopefully that was a good sign.

"I don't want to lose you," he said quietly.

Remus looked over at this, "Why would you, Pads?"

A slight smile crept over his face at the nickname, "I guess if I keep being such a jerk I definitely will. But… really, the way you've been acting towards me this year. I feel like I'm losing my friend."

"I am sorry about that," Remus said with a sigh, sitting up, "It's just—"

"And it _is_ a big deal. What if it's not just a crush? James has been into Lily since first year and she won't even look his way," Sirius interrupted, looking a little panicked. The sandy haired boy just looked down, he didn't have an answer to that.

They sat in awkward silence for a few moments before Sirius voiced a question, "How do you know you have a crush on me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we're close. Best friends. How do you know you aren't just feeling like that because we're close?"

He shifted uncomfortably, "You won't like the answer." The answer being that there were a few things he wanted to do with and to Sirius that he didn't have any interest doing with Peter or James.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

The silence returned, this one less comfortable than the last. Remus had nothing to say. Sirius didn't know what to say. Part of his brain suggested mentioning that one time, but that seemed cruel. Although, would it really be so awful? He shook his head to clear his thoughts of that.

"So, what're we gonna do?" Sirius asked, both to break the silence and distract himself.

"Don't know."

"Do you want to try?"

"Try what?" Remus asked sharply, giving his friend a warning look.

Sirius looked at him seriously, "Just hear me out. I'm not as girl crazy as I act—" Remus snorted at this but he ignored it, "and I could do a hell of a lot worse. What harm would it do giving it a go?"

"Be more specific."

"Whatever you want," he replied with a smile.

"Do you actually want to or do you just think that you can force yourself to try?"

Sirius bit his lip, "I'm not really sure. But I had thought about you like… _that_ once, and my brain's been tormenting me about it since you told me."

Remus shook his head, not at all convinced, "Sleep on it for awhile. When you know what you actually want, tell me."

"I want to be able to hug you without feeling you tense into it," he said quietly.

The werewolf looked at him for a few moments and sighed, standing up. "Dating me… or whatever you were thinking was going to happen isn't the right way to make that happen."

"What if it works out?"

"What if it doesn't?" Remus sighed again, "Just… think about it for awhile, okay? I don't want you to _pretend_ to want this."

Sirius nodded sadly, "Yeah, I can understand that." Remus was about to go and he remembered that he had something he should probably tell him, "Oh, hey, Moony? I kind of told James."

"What?" he asked, looking a bit concerned.

"I'm sorry, he saw you leave and came up to ask me what happened and… yeah," he looked away, "He doesn't care or anything. I just thought you should know."

Remus nodded uncertainly, "Okay, thanks for telling me. I'll see you later." He walked out of the tower, probably headed for the dormitories, leaving Sirius alone with his thoughts. Again.


	5. Chapter 5

James was back at his chess match with Peter when Remus got to the common room. He went over to them, grabbed over a chair, and sat down. He looked at the two with a sheepish smile, "I'm sorry about earlier."

"It's fine," Peter said, smiling at him.

"You doing alright?" James asked.

Remus nodded, "Pad's a bit of a git, but he's always been."

Laughter and agreement followed that, and the two boys returned to their game and all three ended up joking and talking as if nothing had happened. At some point, Remus looked over the board and leaned over to Peter, muttering something in his ear. The small boy's eyes widened.

"Oy, Moony! No helping him," James said, kicking him under the table.

Remus smiled innocently, "Who, me? I was just reminding him about some homework he'd forgotten. Right, Wormtail?"

"Of course!" Peter said, giggling. James scowled at the two for a moment before smiling. He wasn't quite as kind when Peter managed to take his queen and spoil his current strategy in two moves, kicking Remus under the table again.

"Oww, that's going to leave a mark!" the werewolf objected.

"That's what you get for helping him cheat," James replied smugly, crossing his arms.

* * *

><p>To James it seemed like the best idea in all of this was not to bother Remus about it until the werewolf decided to open up to him about it. Since he showed no interest in doing so, James didn't press. Sirius, however, was a different story.<p>

The next day, the first time he and Sirius were alone, he brought it up again with, "How'd your talk with Remus go yesterday?"

"It went fine, he's not mad at me anymore is he?" For a moment Sirius put on his best smile, but it faded quickly and he frowned, lost in thought. James decided to give him a few moments before asking again.

The two sat in silence as Sirius thought and, after a minute or two, he looked over at James, "Have you ever thought about being with a bloke?"

"No, not really, I haven't _seriously _thought about being with anyone besides Lily," James replied. He chewed his lip for a few moments, "But if Lily ever realized that she was actually a man, I think I'd be alright with that."

Sirius gave him a confused look that his friend would even consider that before shaking his head.

"You thinking about Remus?" James asked quietly.

Sirius nodded, "It might be weird, but it wouldn't be awful…" he shook his head again, "After we talked, I suggested it and he told me to think about it. I have been and I don't know. Maybe I just really miss the way things were or it's just that my brain is suggestible, but it seems like it might work."

Not having anything helpful to say, James nodded silently. This seemed like a time when his friend needed a sounding board more than anything else.

"The way things've been going, our friendship's messed up enough. I don't want to make it worse, but I don't know if there's any way to make it better. What do you think, Prongs?"

"I don't really know," he said with a shrug, "Not exactly a situation I've been in… But I've got to admit, if I found out Lily started dating me not because she liked me and wanted to but because she felt like there was no other option- that'd hurt."

The boy winced, realizing his friend was right. He hadn't thought about it like that. He nodded grimly, "You're right, that wouldn't be fair to him."

Again the two fell into silence for a few moments before James looked over at his friend, who was now brooding, "_Do_ you want to?"

"No! I mean… I don't know. I never _really_ liked blokes, not like _that_, but…" he ran a hand through his hair, "I don't know."

"I think he was right to tell you to think about it," James said with a reassuring smile, "But not too hard. Just give it some time and you'll figure it out."

Sirius crossed his arms and sighed, "You know- we've been pretty affectionate friends as well, but if you started getting weird about hugging me, I'd tease you about it but be alright. It _eats_ at me not being able to hug Remus like I used to."

"You've actually been more affectionate towards him than anyone else, but I always figured it was because he needed it more," James said quietly. Sirius glanced at him but said nothing.

* * *

><p>Despite James's suggestion, Sirius thought about it almost constantly. He found himself noticing Remus more, the ways that he had grown from the awkward 11 year old into a more self-assured and confident 16 year old. His face had gotten sharper and more defined, and slightly marred with scars. He also had such long eyelashes framing his sometimes world-weary eyes.<p>

Sirius was noticing his friend's eyelashes.

This was how it went for some time, Sirius _noticing_ his friend only to realize what he was doing and get awkward about it. He now reacted just as much, sometimes more, to every time their hands accidentally brushed and never tried to hug his friend. Some classes he would go out of his way not to sit next to or partner-up with Remus in class, others he'd go out of his way to sit somewhere that the werewolf was in his line of sight.

Confused would be an understatement to describe how he was feeling. He wanted to brush this off as just him thinking about it because Remus brought it up rather than because of any _actual_ feelings. Yet he couldn't shake the feeling it wasn't just this. What if he'd felt this way for Remus for some time, but had always been content with just being affectionate friends instead of taking the risk of asking for more? If that were the case, now that he knew that if he wanted more from his friend he could have it, it made sense that he was noticing things.

Occasionally he wondered if this was what it was like to be Remus, constantly overthinking things. It gave him a headache.

One night he had a particularly unsuccessful attempt to actually do his homework- yes, he actually did do it occasionally- he stood up from where he was and was about to leave the common room, planning to go on a walk outside to try and clear his head. Before he could, he noticed that Remus was sitting next to one of the windows, an open book in his lap, but he was staring out the window with a wonderfully content expression.

Sirius walked over to him, which didn't earn any real attention from the other occupants of the common room. He spent a moment just watching his friend, taking in the gentle curve of his mouth and his half-closed eyes. The boy shook his head harshly, shaking himself out of it, he smiled at his friend and said, "Hey, what's up?"

Remus looked up at him with a start, then smiled back and returned to gazing out the window, "Just thinking about how beautiful the sky is with no moon in it."

He felt his stomach squirm a bit, knowing just how in-tune his friend was with the phases of the moon. After he'd recovered from the last full moon and while it was still waning, Remus was always more at ease. But as the moon got fuller Remus grew more anxious, knowing what was to come. Sirius wouldn't be surprised to hear that one of Remus's greatest wishes was for the moon to just stop existing, the monthly torment to end. Sirius wouldn't mind it, either.

"I was thinking about going for a walk outside- do you want to join me?"

Remus looked up and raised an eyebrow, "_Just_ a walk? I don't want to be involved in any pranks."

Sirius placed one hand on his chest and raised his other, "I swear- just a walk."

"That'd be nice," he said with a smile. Sirius tried to ignore the feeling in his stomach that brought.


	6. Chapter 6

October was starting, the sun set early, and the grounds of Hogwarts were starting to get cold. Both boys were wearing their winter cloaks, and they noticed that the pumpkins Hagrid always grew for Halloween were growing nicely. Sirius briefly wondered how he and his friends, particularly James, would _celebrate_ Halloween this year. It had to be magnificent.

"Why did you want to take a walk, Pads? It's not really like you," Remus asked after he got sick of walking in silence. It hadn't been an uncomfortable silence, he was just bored with it.

"Hm?" Sirius asked, wrapped up in his plans of pranks. He looked over to his friend uncertainly, "I just really needed to clear my head, thought the cool night air would help. I've had a lot on my mind."

"Like what?"

"Er," he said, running a hair through his hair and glancing away, "You."

Remus didn't say anything, but stopped walking and looked at him in bewilderment. Sirius looked back at his friend, he had taken a few more steps before realizing Remus had stopped. He smiled weakly and shrugged, "I actually can't stop thinking about you."

The werewolf bit his lip, "What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

The two fell into an uncomfortable silence for a moment. After enough of that, Remus was again the one to break it.

"Why did you ask me to come with you, then?"

Sirius laughed nervously, "I wasn't planning to… but when I saw the way you were looking out the window I couldn't help it."

"Oh, alright," Remus said quietly. He wasn't sure what to make of this, he knew what he _wanted_ to make of this but he wasn't sure what was really going on.

Sirius took a step closer to his friend and looked at him, "Will you let me try something?"

"Depends on what it is."

"I want to kiss you."

Remus felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment. He swallowed, looking away for a moment as he tried to decide how to react to this. "Are you certain?"

"I can't promise anything, but I want to know what it's like," he replied, looking down and hoping his request wasn't too unfair.

"A-alright," he stammered uncertainly, hoping that he wouldn't regret this. He _knew_ he'd regret saying no, though.

Sirius looked up, almost surprised by that answer. He closed the distance between himself and his friend hesitantly and the two both fidgeted around like 6 year olds for a few moments. Eventually Sirius decided that he was far too old to be acting that awkward and gently placed a hand on his friend's face, leaning in until their lips touched.

He honestly had meant for that to be it. Just a quick peck. Instead he found his hand moving from Remus's face to the boy's hair, holding him there firmly for a few moments, relishing the feel of the lips his friend was constantly chewing at. He felt a strong urge to deepen the kiss, and pulled back at that.

Looking over his friend for a moment, he could tell even in the dim light that the boy's face was red, and probably not from the cold. His face was likely the same. Parts of his hair were sticking up where Sirius's hand had been. Remus smoothed that quickly, looking away as he waited for the verdict.

He wanted to do that again, he hadn't wanted to stop. Did that mean he liked Remus? What did that make him?

'_Why does _that_ matter?_' he wondered to himself. His family had already disowned him, but with a lurch of his stomach he wondered if he still felt the urge not to do things that they'd find utterly abhorrent. Dating a male werewolf would certainly qualify. Just how strongly had they instilled in him that he _would_ find a girl and settle down and produce obedient Black heirs? Even though he hadn't listened to any of the rest of it, had he bought into the idea he must only like girls?

"Well?" Remus urged anxiously, his voice a strained mix of hope and dread.

Sirius smiled at his friend, placing a hand on the boy's cheek, "I'd like to do that again."

The boy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, Sirius knew that meant he was trying to be patient. "Please, Padfoot, just put it in plain English. What do you want?"

He leaned in to kiss Remus's cheek before whispering into his ear, "You. I'm certain of that."

"Really?" he asked, moving so their foreheads were touching.

"When have I ever lied to you?"

Remus smiled, "Never when it mattered."

Sirius smiled back, glad that it seemed like this was relatively settled. Then he noticed Remus's face falling and the boy was starting to look away. "Do you still not believe me?"

The werewolf sighed softly, stepping back and looking up at the sky, "I'm just… afraid. I really don't want you to realize you're doing this for the wrong reasons."

"So am I, but I don't really care," Sirius replied, "I'm more afraid that I _wasn't_ doing this for all the wrong reasons."

"Is it alright if I take a little while to really believe this?" he asked softly.

Sirius laughed, "I remember how long it took you to believe we really didn't care about your furry little problem," he kissed the boy's cheek, "I can wait for you to believe this, too."

Remus cupped Sirius's chin in his hand and placed a gentle kiss on his lips, "I'm glad." Sirius raised an eyebrow at this, although his lips curled up in a smile. Remus smiled back, "I may not fully believe you… but that doesn't mean I don't want to kiss you again as well."

With a large grin, Sirius hugged his friend close to himself properly for the first time since they'd left for the summer. Remus returned it happily, laying his head on the boy's shoulder. After a good 30 seconds of this, he tried to pull away but Sirius whined, reminding Remus very much of his animagus form.

"You have to let me go at some point," Remus told him with a gentle laugh.

"No…"

"I do need to get to sleep at some point."

Sirius considered this for a moment before grinning, "You'll just have to sleep with me holding you, then." Remus gave him an exasperated look and Sirius just rested his head against the boy's shoulder, "I haven't been able to properly hug you in too many months. I need to make up for lost time."

"I suppose," he said with a soft smile, feeling his cheeks heat up, "But don't you think sleeping in the same bed is moving a bit fast?"

"I guess…" he pouted before looking at Remus with puppy dog eyes. No one did puppy dog eyes like a dog animagus.

"No," Remus said, playfully biting Sirius's nose to get him to stop. With a resigned sigh, Sirius let go of his friend and rubbed his nose, pouting as he did. The werewolf chuckled at that, "Want me to kiss it better?"

"Maybe," he admitted, and stopped rubbing his nose so Remus could kiss it. He did. He sighed and looked up at the castle, "I suppose we should go back…"

"Do you think you can avoid grabbing me long enough to?" he asked with a smirk.

Sirius sighed dramatically, "It'll be hard… But I think I can do it."

They started walking back very slowly, enjoying a comfortable silence and the delightful warm, excited feelings from what had just happened. As they got near the castle doors, Remus sighed and glanced up at him, "You know, there are a lot of things we'll have to talk about."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "But not right now."


	7. Chapter 7

Neither of their friends were in the common room when the two Gryffindors got back to it, they decided to look for them in the dormitory. Peter was nowhere to be found, but James was sitting on his bed, looking fairly dazed.

"You alright, mate?" Sirius asked first. Remus put his fist to his mouth, trying to work out what could possibly be the matter.

James sat up at that, "I'm great- just worried I might be dreaming."

"I'm not pinching him," Remus said, shaking his head with a smile.

"You dream about me often, Prongs? I'm touched," Sirius added with a grin.

James grabbed a pillow and threw it at his friend, who dodged it rather easily with an annoyed "oy!". "It's got nothing to do with you, mate. It's Lily- I asked her to Hogsmeade and she actually said _yes_!" James fell back on his bed with a large smile on his face.

"I don't believe it," Sirius said.

Remus elbowed him gently, "That's great, Prongs!"

"I mean, of course it is," Sirius agreed, "I just don't believe it."

"I don't either, really, it's still sinking in," James agreed blissfully from the bed. He propped himself up on his elbows and grinned at his friends, "Of course- this means that next Hogsmeade trip you three are on your own. Think you can manage?"

"Somehow we will," Sirius said with a smirk.

Not long after that, Peter arrived and got to hear the joyous news. The smaller boy almost squealed when he heard the news, it was rather adorable. They spent most of the rest of the night teasing James about this, it was really the only thing they could do after all the time he'd spent chasing after the girl. They only stopped hours later, when Remus noticed how late it had gotten and reminded them all that they had classes in the morning.

Sirius groaned at that reminder, "Argh, and I never finished that homework… It's for our first class, too." Remus tutted at him, earning a glare.

"Best get on it then, Padfoot," James said with a look of sympathy. They'd both had a bad habit of waiting until the last minute to do their schoolwork, only for something to come up and make it so they can't do it.

"Ugh, yeah…" he muttered, standing up, "I'll just bring it up here and finish it in bed." The others muttered some form of agreement or another as they all dispersed for their various pre-bed rituals. Sirius went down to where he'd left his homework in the common room and sat down on the couch for a moment with a sigh. What happened earlier that night seemed vaguely surreal, and now he was in no mood to do a history paper.

After waiting long enough that he could be relatively certain the other three boys were in bed, he gathered up his things and trudged up to the dorm. As expected, the lights were all off. He took out his wand and muttered _Lumos_, dumped his things on his bed before getting changed into his pajamas.

He grumbled as he settled down on his bed to start work on the essay. After a few moments of this, he heard the ruffling of someone getting out of bed and padding foot steps, but didn't really think anything of it until the curtains around his bed were pulled back slightly and Remus's head poked in.

"I thought you might want some help," he explained with a soft smile.

Sirius smiled at his friend sheepishly, "I actually could, yeah."

This was something that they had actually done many times in previous years. Obviously it hadn't happened before this year, and it was nice. They didn't talk about what happened earlier at all, but now wasn't really the time for that. Sirius really _did_ need to finish this essay. When he was almost finished with it, Remus muttered something about needing to rest his eyes for a moment and promptly fell asleep. Sirius did his best to ignore this while he finished the essay, but once it was done he wasn't entirely sure what to do about it.

This was also something that had happened before, though not very often, but earlier Remus had outright said he didn't want to tonight. He didn't really want to wake Remus up, also didn't really want to take Remus's bed (his friend wouldn't care if he did), but he supposed that was the best option.

He looked at his friend who was sleeping peacefully, and realized he did have another option that Remus really couldn't object to. He muttered '_Nox'_ to turn his wand off, placed it and all his homework on the desk next to his bed, before turning into his dog form and lying down next to his friend.

* * *

><p>Remus had managed to get into the habit of always waking up at the same time. Their first few years of school, he used an alarm, but at some point he'd forgotten to set it and realized a week later that he was waking up without it just fine. Since then, he ended up being the official one in charge of waking up all the other marauder's, save for the day after the full moons. He occasionally got sick other than them, and when that happened the other three were too concerned about getting their friend to the Hospital wing to care about their first (or any) classes.<p>

Today was no exception. But it was an exception that he woke up with his face buried in something furry. As his brain woke up, he realized he also had an arm over the same furry thing. Blearily he sat up and realized that what he was sleeping next to was a dog, Sirius's animagus form. The werewolf rubbed his face and remembered what had happened last night, that he'd fallen asleep while helping his friend with homework.

He smiled to himself, scratching behind the dog's ears. Sirius opened a bleary eye, his tale wagging as he did. Even after he'd woken up enough to know what was going on, he decided to just enjoy Remus's attention for a bit.

This lasted for a few moments until Remus nudged him, "Come on, you actually have to get up. As a _human_."

He whimpered, but his friend was already climbing out of bed to get James and Peter out of bed as well. With a slight groan, Sirius returned to his human form and headed for a shower, smiling contentedly to himself.

He could get used to waking up like that.


End file.
